I have this fantasy in my mind of who I want to be and what I want to do and I always keep thinking I just need something to get out of my way to let me do it. Let me have a few more hours in the day, let me have a little bit more money, let me have a little bit more cooperation from others, but in the end the only thing that keeps me from being the person I want to be and doing the things I want to do, the only thing that gets in my way is me.
I really don't want to be an accountant anymore, the disappointment of being forced to continue that for the time being is pretty grave and every day I get more and more frustrated that it takes my very limited energy away from the things I want to do, but when that is finally over and all my responsibilities at my j-o-b are passed on to other people, if it ends up that I don't figure out how to get out of my own way I will end up just sitting on the couch watching TV all day and resenting myself deep in my soul.
I think maybe I'm procrastinating finishing this bank reconciliation and the end of year close because once it's done I will be passing on my work to somebody else and I won't have any other excuses to do those things I keep saying I want to do.
Who am I really if I have no excuses left to hide behind?
I think I'm so stuck about doing glass research partly because the part of me that wants to do the work is battling the part of me that wants to do the least amount of work required to "pass the class". My anxiety might stem from not having a teacher around to ask, "What are the minimum requirements to write this research paper? How many sources do I need in the bibliography? How many pages? How many words? What font size? Or, also, with an entire internet's worth of resources, and not having anyone to tell me "5 sources, 10 pages, 10pt font" I end up with a pile of sources on my virtual desk about a mile high.
It's not exactly that I want to do the least amount of work possible, it's that I'm getting lost in not knowing how much work is required of my project, so how do I know how many sources to use in my research? How do I know when to stop looking and settle down and start writing things down? I guess what I need to remember are the lessons my college teachers tried to get through my thick head for so many years, which was that of "scope". It should be kind of like a scientist's hypothesis. What do I want to write about, answer, discuss, prove, explore, or teach about in my paper? What is my scope?
For my work in the SCA I want to learn how to make replicas of medieval glass beads, when and where they come from, what archaeological dig they were found in, what techniques were used to make the original beads and what techniques I used to make my replicas, and where the beads were made, who made them, why they were made, how they were made, who used them, where they were used, how far from their origin they were taken, how they got there, where the glass came from, how was the glass made, and what were the sources of the particular ingredients of the glass.
See, that's not so much to research, is it?
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